Diagnosed at 40… My dance with adult ADHD

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” — Dr Daniel Amen, MD

Unfortunately, I think it’s pretty safe to say I managed to bring a fair amount of negative attention to myself over the years.

People who have only known me as an adult are often surprised to learn I was consistently labelled a troublemaker (at best) or more often, an ‘oversensitive little weirdo’.

Year after year, my school report read the same way.

‘Murray has so much potential, if only he’d do a little bit of work each night / stop talking / asking annoying questions / convincing his entire Year 8 class to simultaneously drop their pens, stand on their chairs and seemingly ‘forget how to get down’.

Sure, some people seemed to think I was pretty smart (in Grade 6 my nickname was Dictionary, and not just because it started with Dick). Yet no matter how hard I tried and how many detentions I served, I just never seemed able to get my homework done until the night before it was due - if at all.

One of my strongest memories growing up is of at least 3 separate teachers from multiple schools, staring directly into my eyes and pleading me to ‘just play the game, Murray. You’re only in here for X more days or Y more years, I know you’re smart enough to do the right thing’.

I mean… Only the smartest kids figure out how to blackmail their Year 9 Maths & Science teachers into counting them present each day, so they could get away with skateboarding around the school, chatting up older girls or sitting on the oval writing bad teenage poetry.

Or get asked to leave the school because a principal never forgave them for loudly asking the most famous football coach in the country ‘Mate, do you ever talk about anything but footy?’ in front of the whole school assembly.

And only the most balanced, self confident boys who profess their undying love for the beautiful, quiet brunette wearing the same hot pink Minnie Mouse t-shirt and fake pearls to kindergarten every day.

… Right?

Needless to say, I am not particularly proud of any of this.

I no longer recall these memories with the same childish grin I once did.

(Well, except maybe the Kevin Sheedy one. The dude had it coming)

I get sad when people talk longingly about the teacher that changed their lives or the moment they fell in love with science. It kills me to know my kids are doing so well at school, not because of any discipline I’ve helped instil in them, but despite a lack of it.

Worst of all, I know this will eventually be read by some of the amazing young people I mentor via programs like Future Anything, not to mention lots of other rad people I’d rather just assume I’ve always been a pretty chill dude.

So why the hell would I want to share some of the most embarassing memories I have?

Because it was only just this year - as a fully grown, 40 year old man - That I learned all of these behaviours are ‘classic’ symptoms of ADD, or Attention Deficit Disorder.

And that I had clearly been off-the-charts for most of my life.

And so had many of my friends.
And their friends.
And their parents.
Because unlike many other hereditary conditions, it’s extremely well studied and enjoys broadly accessible, highly effective treatments.

Yet just a few years after I was born, the peak body responsible for classifying mental health conditions decided to add the letter H, for Hyperactivity to the name.

Which meant that, despite all the available evidence to the contrary, myself and well over two hundred million others fell through a crack opened up by the very system built to identify and support us.

To be clear - I am not anti Big Pharma.

It’s definitely not my favourite industry, but this particular issue appears to be much less about systemic greed and more like design-by-committee.

Well-intentioned advice from academics or executives tasked with minimising risk is a soul-destroying reality of working in the ‘creative industries’, so I’m guessing that’s the particular brand of boring we’ll find at the end of this rainbow.

But one of the wonderful upsides of a brain incapable of producing enough dopamine is a deep sense of curiosity and empathy, so I am approaching this project with as open a mind and long term an approach as the daily lisdexamphetamines will allow.  #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1707908225504_10913 { box-sizing: border-box; height: 100%; padding: 6% 6% 6% 6%; border-radius: 0px 0px 0px 0px; }

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” — Dave Anderson, PhD Senior Psychologist | ADHD and Behavior Disorders Center

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” — Scientific American Magazine, 2021

Obviously, I am not the first to wonder if there’s a better way to talk about this.

As you can see from the above quotes and vintage headline from the Betoota boys, this has long been a point of contention and derision for millions of people worldwide, including specialists and practitioners.

Some are frustrated at the term ‘Disorder’.

Others feel that 1987’s decision to include the hyperactivity element was definitely the wrong call, but don’t think it should change now.

And some of us just think the idea of being referred to as ‘ADHD’ers’ is stupid.

Something that affects roughly 300,000,000 people is bound to come with a few strong opinions.

I wouldn’t be surprised to get an email within five minutes of hitting publish, loudly declaring that I ‘cease and desist’ because some medication brand already owns the perpetual rights to rebrand ADHD if and when they so choose.

But after spending most of my life building things that - in retrospect - coulda woulda shoulda been built by far smarter or more well-resourced people a long time ago… I also wouldn’t be surprised if lots of people know this is a thing that needs addressing, but simply assumed someone else would fix it.

Or figured there was no money in it, so why bother?

Or tried and gave up for some very good reasons I’m about to discover.

Either way, I’d love to hear from anyone who has been affected by ADD / ADHD / whatever we end up calling it.

Psychiatrists.
Family members.
Policy makers.
Sufferers of adjacent issues or co-morbidities.

etc, etc

I have no idea where this might lead, or what format it may eventually take (another Kickstarter documentary, anyone?) but we’ve got enough self-deprecating memes to last a lifetime, so it should be a funny roadtrip at least.

And yes. I’m painfully aware of the irony risks here.

This is not my first rodeo, folks.

In case we don’t already know one another, let’s just say the road to glory is pathed with the polished turds of my unfinished projects.

But no matter how stressful it’s been waiting for a diagnosis, then learning how high the ‘ADHD Tax’ has been on relationships, career moves, financial opportunities and a million other things, I’m excited to finally have a thing I can point at and say

‘I know I made you feel like I couldn’t care less about you because I turn up late to every single thing we’ve ever done together, despite you telling me it makes you feel disrespected… But I keep trying new things and setting 4 alarms every time because I really DO respect you… It’s just a bit harder for me sometimes, and finally, I understand why’.

And lastly, to my ADHD friends who almost certainly skipped 90% of this and scrolled straight to the bottom.

Sorry for making this way too long... Hyperfocus, AMIRITE!? 🤷🏻‍♂️

From the moment that my wonderful, long suffering wife suggested I ‘have a look over a list of these symptoms and see if they sound familiar’, I have felt part of something bigger and more inclusive than any other community I’ve had the good fortune to experience before.

Sure, we may not have pre-frontal cortexes operating at 100%, but it’s the shame that keeps us lonely and small.  #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1707908225504_21234 { box-sizing: border-box; height: 100%; padding: 6% 6% 6% 6%; border-radius: 0px 0px 0px 0px; }

“” — Dani Donovan

So with your help, I’d like to help more parents. teachers, family members and friends to recognise the symptoms of a Mario Kart game generating a few too many banana peels, even if that person doesn’t necessarily seem hyperactive.